sun rise..

the thing is.. yes.. sunrises are one of the most beautiful things in this world.. witnessing one can be a one of a kind experience.. witnessing it with a loved one may be much more.. but.. if i asked you.. "have you ever watched the sun rise from the horizon?" your answer would probably be no.. of course this may not be everyone's answer.. but i assume that it is for most people.. why?? because sunrises from the horizon cannot be viewed from just anywhere.. probably by the ocean.. or high up top on a mountain.. either way.. both places cannot be found in the city where we live in.. we must travel some distance to reach these places.. maybe even climbing a mountain.. but even if we do this.. sunrises do not happen just anytime.. the sun probably rises at the wee hours.. around 6 or 7am.. so if we really wanted to watch the sun rise.. we probably cant fall sleep.. but "couldnt we just wake up at 5.30am?" the thing is.. we cant really be sure what time the sun will rise.. and sunrises do not last very long.. so staying awake is the best solution..

why am i ranting about sunrises?!? lolx.. in the end.. it leads back to the number 1 thing on my mind now.. love.. haha.. sunrises can be compared to love.. we can never be sure when we will succeed.. but if we really want it.. we must not give up.. or we have to stay awake.. if it passes us by.. we have to wait a long time before the opportunity comes again.. if we persevere through the waiting however.. when we finally see the sun rise.. the feeling that we get is difficult to describe.. one thing's for sure.. it is worth it..

but if we look at it from another point of view.. missing a chance in love does not mean the end of the world.. we may miss it this time.. but it will come again.. and when there is always sunrise.. there is always sunset.. no matter.. i will not give up on this opportunity.. even though i have stayed awake for a long time.. i will continue to wait.. even if i only catch a glimpse of it at the horizon.. if i do reach that.. sunset is still far away..

A mystery called love..

Well.. i realized my life have been revolving around 1 word for the past month.. that is love.. what is it? it is an addiction.. it is bliss at times.. but during other times it may very well be torture.. but why am i saying this right now? it is because i am feeling torture.. but not totally due to love though.. love does provide its satisfactions.. but at times i just feel that.. after all the time and effort that i put into love.. added to the pile of other stressers in life.. it is slightly overwhelming.. sometimes i might feel that everything that happens as the result of my effort.. is not rewarding.. and that is very very demotivating.. innately.. i am already someone who had always given up easily.. always choosing the easy way.. but for her.. i have changed.. i never gave up.. and still will not.. but my point is.. why is she giving me reinforcing reactions sometimes.. and suddenly giving me negative reactions?

at times i feel as though i dun understand her at all.. and she still does not trust me 100%.. she has this pet brother whom she trusts whole heartedly i guess.. he is married.. and.. thats about all i know about him.. haiz.. i am just confused..

with so many priorities in life.. am i still making the right decision to go after her?? all the time and money and effort spent on her.. i may very well be spending them on my business perhaps.. or on my studies?? lately i have been neglecting my studies.. i have been spending less time on my studies.. but somehow.. maybe because of her.. when i study or do assignments.. i am more serious.. and my work turn out good.. my grades are still ok.. and well yeah..

it has only been a week.. i am feeling a little bit tired already.. i now realize.. that caring for a person whole heartedly.. is not simple at all.. sometimes i feel that i care too much about her?? constantly reminding her to eat to prevent her gastric.. or asking her to sleep early.. why do i even care about all these details of her?? i even wonder if she finds me too.. overdoing these things.. maybe she does not like what i am doing??

she left me a message on msn to apologize.. saying that she was not in a good mood.. my anger for her lifted immediately.. but i still felt sore inside.. so i did not call her tonight.. i really wanted to talk to her.. but she being out of mood made me feel the same.. so i only smsed her.. what can i do to reach the level of her pet brother?? she seems to always meet these kind of guys from church.. all these guys that can get so close to her.. maybe.. just maybe.. all the stuff i have been thinking is not correct.. maybe it is not me who is a player.. maybe she flirts as well.. which i have quit.. so far i am honest.. i have sort of devoted myself to her.. i try my best to not get too close to other girls.. even those whom i have been close to all the while.. why? because i care about her feelings more than that of others.. even my own at times.. but on friday during her class.. when she drew or wrote something on another guys paper.. jealousy rushed through me.. i dont know.. i mean.. she is not my girlfriend yet.. so its not wrong? but i acted like a mind in front of her after that.. when she reached out to draw on my paper.. i requested her not to.. and lalalala.. ya its very dumb stuff i know.. haha..

anyways.. before her class ended at 1pm.. i passed to her the 4 verse poem i wrote for her the night before.. along with the pen with a message wrapped around the ink inside.. when i got home.. she messaged me at around 8pm.. but i was already sleeping at that time.. i slept only at 3am the night before because i had to finish writing the poem.. and decorating it for her.. and the night before i only slept for 2 hours finishing my literature review.. so on friday.. i was actually bloody tired.. and i did not have class or experiments whatsoever.. so why did i still wake up at 8.45 and go to college?? the answer is obvious.. but i dont know why i did it.. even though i clearly lacked sleep.. i was full of energy once i saw her.. seriously.. when she left i immediately felt the fatigue.. i even missed dinner that night because i fell asleep right away.. the things i do for her.. i feel stupid sometimes.. lol

so after today.. i have 19 more days until the time limit.. i am confused as to where i want to go from here.. she is so unpredictable.. she says she enjoys surprises.. but i dont deal with them well.. i have always known that love requires sacrifice.. but i am really changing alot about myself for her.. even my sister says so.. nonetheless.. the change so far is not out of my comfort zone yet.. and i am still willing to walk the road to make her trust me.. or even just to make her smile.. but do i even have time?? 3 assignments due this week.. i know that.. and she knows that too.. and she knows that i am spending alot of time doing things for her.. then why on earth did she reply to me saying that i am too free.. go do assignments..

i want to do my assignments.. but when i try to think.. all i think about is.. who else!? sleepless nights.. i have had many the past weeks.. i think most guys would feel that.. this thing called love.. this mystery.. is sometimes more like misery instead.. but why then do we all struggle to keep it with us?? why do we want it so badly? i guess that is the mystery part of love.. but as the days go by.. i grow surer of 1 thing.. i am loving her more.. being angry at her does not mean i stop loving her..

only love can make me talk so much.. i am by nature.. i quiet person.. but seeing her.. or simply thinking of her.. makes me unable to stop talking.. what is it that i like about her?? i have to start thinking.. and listing them down.. to reassure her.. and to reassure myself.. on one hand she said that this month is for me to give her confidence and security.. on the other hand say says that this month is for myself to think.. if i really really like her.. does that in any way imply that she will accept me?? all i know now is that she said yes when i asked if she liked me.. i still do not know if she will accept me.. she accepted all my gifts.. my poems.. and my love.. but will she accept me!?

then again i always come back to this question.. should i really couple now? am i ready? no idea.. i want to chase my dreams.. would i still be able to if i got attached?? i want to make my business big.. i want to study my degree and masters and phd overseas.. i want to become a singer-songwriter.. can i still chase my dreams.. if i chase a girl?? nothing is certain..

yinyin has gotten into a singing training course.. seems that people like lin yu zhong and jin sha came from that very academy.. hopefully she reaches her dream too.. but how i hope i could be chasing that dream just like her.. becoming a singer.. i can only dream..

yep!! my life is boring.. it revolves around love for now.. soon i will find it less important than important things like studies.. then maybe i will turn sane again..

why on earth do i miss her so much!? but i cannot tell her that.. because she just wouldnt believe me.. but i think of her all the time.. especially when i have time to think.. times like sleep.. or shower.. and right now.. is she thinking of me?? did i even cross her mind?? probably she thought of her married pet brother.. probably octee is not on her bed anymore.. maybe it was not there all along.. maybe she is lying?? she always says that i lie to her.. which i do not.. that is another thing that makes me sore inside..

i have been sighing more often now.. probably because of her.. she sighs almost every half hour.. but i ask her not to.. but i am sighing on my own.. haiz.. i dont know what to think.. i am HUNGRY... i will call her tomorrow.. i miss her voice dearly.. right now.. i dont know if she is still in a bad mood.. what was the 'many things' that she mentioned about.. that is causing her bad mood?? i want to know.. i want to make her feel better.. tomorrow i will call her.. monday i will return her calculator.. i miss her short height.. i miss her oily hair.. though she says its not oily..

i guess i was right in the end.. love is something 1000x better than pizza.. no matter how tired i am.. it gives me strength.. no matter how hungry i am.. it makes me full.. no matter how sad i am.. it makes me happy.. it is one of a kind.. nothing can do what it does.. a mystery..

~wengkhye~

CONFESSION.. exposition.. climax and resolution..

okay.. last post was march 9.. 2day is march 24.. 24-9=15.. FIFTEEN days of absence is because of...?!! the title tells us exactly what in the world i have been sooo caught up with that i cannot blog..

confession.. what is the first thing that comes to your mind after reading the word!? is it.. a confession of love you may ask.. it is exactly that.. why am i beating around the bush just to say "I confessed to a girl"!?? because confessing is a dam hard thing to do.. and i developed a bad habit after that.. lolx

i actually did not want to blog about this.. but.. i decided to because im doing my lit review which is bloody long and due thursday and im bored.. and i ditched my diary for 4 months.. so im blogging..

friday, 21 march 2008.. i will remember this day for the rest of my life (i hope).. because ladies and gentlemen.. this was the day when i declared my love to a girl for the very first time in my life.. never before in the entire 17 years of my life have i felt so nervous.. so tensed.. my fists were clinched.. my palms were sweaty but cold.. my legs were shaking.. heart was pumping furiously.. i was barely even breathing.. at exactly 2.00pm.. i held her hand and confessed my feelings.. the scene still burning clearly in my memory.. i really did go through all those dramatic feelings.. but it was not especially difficult to open my mouth.. because i had planned for this and set the date 2 weeks back.. i knew it was not a time to back away.. so i took in 1 last gulp of air..decided to be a man.. and asked her..

details i will not go into.. so after all that describing.. what is the outcome!? what was her answer?! did i succeed.. or did i fail!? the answer.. for now.. is neither.. yes.. i neither succeeded.. nor failed.. but how can this be!? i asked myself that question repeatedly that night.. how can there be a middle to success and failure!? is there a middle to right or wrong!? is there a centre in between true or false?! can i go right and left at the same time!? are you confused.. i am.. i was going crazy..

i made sure of 1 thing on that day.. that is.. she does like me.. since when.. i can only guess.. she did not want to tell me since when she started liking me.. or for how long.. but demanded that i told her when i started liking her.. =.= we talked a lot from 2 to 5.30.. but yyyyyyyy didnt she accept!?

she likes me.. but did not accept me.. or reject me.. because she is not confident that our relationship will last long if we got together.. she wants a stable relationship.. 1 that can last until.. marriage maybe.. =.= yes it is quite unrealistic.. but possible.. and this becomes a reason for me to continue chasing her.. because her principle is exactly the same as mine! i was always the weird 1 saying things like finding the perfect girl for my first and marrying her.. but now she is saying the same thing.. so we think alike and more reason for me to carry on..!

anyways.. i have 1 month's time since that friday to make her feel more confident.. she asked me to give myself a date.. i must make myself to become 1 of the very few people she really believe in.. i want her to trust me.. right now.. my conversation with her is very the funny.. lolx.. it may go like this..

sample conversation
me: would you believe me if i said a square had 4 sides!?
she: no
me: would you believe me if i said..... a circle has no sides!?
she: no
me: would you believe if your brother said a circle has 4 sides!?
she: YES

her brother is 1 of the very few people she trust with all her heart.. and i want to be on that list.. so far.. i have already completed my first step before achieving the ultimate goal.. that step is knowing what i need to achieve to give her confidence.. things like.. treating her differently from how i treat other girls.. proving to her that i will like her for at least 100 years and that she is the only 1.. haha.. i have a long way to go.. so people help me da qi ok.. ^^ oh ya.. she doesnt read my blog.. i think.. haha.. cuz she is never on9

i have been thinking ALOT for the past few days.. and mayb it isnt such a bad thing that she did not accept me right away.. if she did.. i might not have thought of so many things.. last time.. i used to think that i would be the best bf there ever was.. but the truth is.. i know nuts about being a bf now.. so i am learning.. and changing.. to make her feel safe with me.. give her security and confidence.. i am talking to her more now.. calling and messaging more often.. but it is really costing my wallet.. i called her for 1hour+ yesterday night.. and my credit went from RM23 to RM4.. T.T can cry.. i learned something new.. call from house.. or get happy line.. if i spend 20 bux every night.. i will vomit blood.. haha

I was quite moody on Sat.. which is NOT normal for me.. probably because i let this get to my head.. ALMOST argued with my sister.. because we were both moody at the same time.. haha.. but we both understood each other's problem.. and calmed down.. i dota-ed and im sorry for my opponents..too bad la.. all the bad words come out for no reason.. haha.. who ask u all to be so noob.. =P

ANYWAYS.. life is mellow right now.. my first semester in Bpsych is coming to an end soon.. news of my scholarship applications will be out soon too.. life for me now.. is defined by studies and love.. and of course friends and family.. and my business.. 5 things dominate my life.. how nice.. my fav number..

is she thinking of me now?? i am thinking of her.. and how i wish.. assignments can complete themselves.. zzz goodnight to the whole world..

caught in between two..

haiz.. my motivation for blogging is slowly diminishing again.. reasons are my laziness for the most part.. but i suddenly dont want many people to know what runs through my mind now.. haha.. well.. history repeats itself.. and my blog posts always get more brief with each entry.. haha.. so here is a list of priorities for the coming 2 weeks:
1. mid term on 15 march
2. FIVE assignments to be completed
3. TransAD
4. haha.. duno la!

change is a major thing in anyone's life.. in psychology.. change is the main cause of stress.. stress is the result of needing to adapt to something new.. and people must adapt to new things when there is change.. but change is inevitable.. change is essential so that we improve.. but most of the time.. i would still prefer to stay put.. i want to change.. i will change.. i need to change.. but.. just for a little eity bity longer.. i choose not to.. one might call this avoiding problems.. delayed but not gone.. i agree.. i do not deny.. that is why i am giving myself 2 weeks.. i believe 2 weeks will be the limit.. because i have good friends that will not let it exceed that.. thnx mandy mei for spending almost 3 hours of credit on me.. haha.. but i still need to talk to people.. someone call me please.. ^^

caught between two choices now.. but hopefully it all ends within 2 weeks.. and hopefully.. it all begins when it ends.. ~_~


Arsenal is doing well now.. an indicator that my life will too.. =D nonsensical but true! ^^

another change!!

i will change my blog layout over the next few days.. or as and when i have free time! now i am not free.. haha.. =D

*i alr feel like playing dota now.. O.o but will not... ~.~

change once again..

okok.. i realized long ago that i am lazy.. but i just realized i waste a whole lot of precious time! crap lar.. what do i waste my time on!? watching tv.. blogging.. msn.. these don't take much time actually.. the 1 thing that saps my time away is........ ta daa.. dota =.=


not surprisingly.. i have been spending an enormous amount of time playing a highly intellectual game of strategy that tests the ability of 5 people to cooperate and compensate each other by pawning another group of 5 tacticians and owning the game.. yep.. thats the game of dota.. 1 game normally takes about an hour or more to finish.. and if i play 2 games a day on average that's roughly 3 hours a day x 7 days thats 21 hours wtf@#$%!! thats almost 1 whole day!! this all started when my good college mate jie yao introduced me to the wonderful world or dota july of year 2007.. ever since i have been wasting 1 day every week for 7 months!? omfffffg..

so.. i have finally decided to quit this addiction.. no more dota!!!!! for more than 12 hours a week.. hey starting small is better than not trying at all.. u think drug addicts can quit easily? u think alcoholism is easy to end?? i'll stick to this plan until dota becomes free-time leisure.. and not a craving.. then i can have more time to do more things.. like spend time with her for instance.. lolx..

did anyone noticed that this year was a leap year!? i did not until today! for those who are innately blur.. being in a leap year means we get an extra day which is 29 FEB!! and that is the day i spent what seemed like eternity (3 hours +) with her.. friday was special for me.. but i havent spoken or sms-ed her at all since then.. i am what you call without balls.. i am thinking of her more than ever these few days.. and today i suddenly had different mindset.. i might consider to pop the question in front of her anytime.. lolx.. but we will never noe when.. people claim to possess the power of pre-cognition (predict the future) according to my psyc class.. but i think its bogus.. idiot fellow.. =.=

this coming week i will be busy as hell again.. y?? because i signed up for more than 10 experiments.. smart me.. will i even have time for lunch!? no idea.. and i am doing all this for a mere 3% for 2 subjects respectively.. 10 experiments and that's still NOT enough.. can you believe that.. seems like my next week will be the same.. well at least i have less time to play dota.. so i will be more productive.. its a good thing.. >.< I couldn't sleep on fri night.. because of her.. but finally slept at 5.30.. and woke up at 9am.. O.o i rushed to centre point mcd and met up with zl and ly.. after that meeting.. we finally decided that our first business will be TransAd.. i am a bit lazy to explain what it will be all about.. but lets just hope the cash starts flowing in with this first project.. anyone who is reading this.. wish us 3 luck please..! ^^

busy busy.. life is very different from what it was 2 years ago.. i just had a chat with ching yee today.. it has been one week since she flew to ausie.. she loves the place.. she loves her big uni that looks like a castle.. and she loves her father's friend's house that has toilets without locks.. 2 years she will be in ausie.. i will miss ching yee.. one of my closer friends during form 4.. and i will miss bullying her?? maybe not as much as anusha below there.. i got ching yee's address from her today.. i may very well send her something since i did not see her off.. (sorry!) so ching yee check your mail everyday!!~ lol


hmm.. among all my friends.. the only person who still doesn't have driving license other than myself.. is yun wayne.. and she is asking me when to register everyday cuz her mom is asking her the same thing everyday... O.o she wants to register tomorrow!! omg.. wait la yun wayne.. this is so sudden.. my heart is not ready yet..! >.< but i guess i should not wait longer.. and not waste anymore time.. =.= i actually really really want to get the license.. heck.. after i get it i am gonna scan it and post it here to show everyone.. on the other hand.. i don't really feel like driving.. since i have so many nice friends to tumpang me up down and all around.. i really feel lucky to have such friends.. lolx.. you guys know who u are.. give yourself a pat on the back cuz i cant remember who u are! lolx.. JK la! clem.. sebas.. des.. junyi.. yit.. ETC.. LOL~ tq all.. and sorry sebas cuz ur car langgar the barrier last time cuz me! haha..

bloody long entry adi la.. ciao!

CHANGE. . . . .

changed.

after fuyoh number months absent from my previous blog.. i am finally back to blogging once again.. BUT.. i can not and will not promise to be a frequent blogger from now onwards.. because in the fuyoh number of months.. i have learned NOT to break promises.. it is one of the worst things to do to another person.. so.. it may be better to not give away one's word too hastily in the first place..

changed.

what has changed in this long period of time one may ask.. Frankly countless things has happened.. to me and to everyone on earth.. but lets not look too far.. this blog is nonetheless.. about me.. =P Today i discovered a new feeling.. one that can only be found spending time with a girl (or guy) that u really like (or love). Today i have found the answer to a question i have asked almost everyday since i can remember.. I used to ask my father.. my mother.. brother.. sister.. close friends or even strangers.. " what is the feeling of love? how do you feel inside when you like someone? how are you so sure that u like him/her?" I was confused.. until today.. I finally understood what it is like to spend time her.. It felt like we were doing nothing.. but we were doing everything.. we talked a lot.. silence was rare between us.. but even if we did not talk.. it felt as though i knew exactly what she wanted to say.. comfort is the key.. every second brings forth a smile.. and.. parting is agony.. I am truly glad that i have found this 'love' that i yearned for for so long.. However.. I have deciding long before that i will not be attached.. Today we shared another whole part of ourselves with each other.. though i still feel that i only barely understand the surface of her life.. I believe that i revealed to her quite apparently that i put career and making money as my top priority.. which is one reason i will not get attached.. I have a presumption.. I would not say it is true.. but i presume that she likes me back.. and hopefully she understands why after all this time.. i have not really done anything to confess my feelings.. or to ask her to be my partner.. When i am ready.. i will go all out to make her mine.. i just wish it will not be too late by then..

CHANGE.

for months i have been drugging myself by avoiding her.. with the beginning of 2008.. we had both finished our LAN classes.. and i did not get many chances to be in her life.. because of that.. we have distanced from each other.. she had her life in A levels.. while i had mine in Bpsych.. I made new friends.. but so did she.. most of hers i did not know.. and still do not.. when i saw one of our friends from DU (guy) very close to her.. I started to distance myself from her even more.. To me.. it seemed as though I knew nothing about her anymore.. but he did.. all the roles of cheering her up when she was down.. or making her laugh.. or sharing her problems.. it seemed like he could fulfill.. at that time.. i obviously could not.. all i could do.. was watch from afar.. it was painful.. but i did not dwell on it for a long time.. since young.. i never did dwell on anything for more than a few days at most.. so it passed me by.. but as quickly as it went away.. it came back when i saw them again.. but in my mind i knew i can not do too much for her no matter how much i wanted to.. because i was never going to couple with her to begin with.. Valentine's Day swooped like a passing car.. as much as i wanted to hold her hands and ask her for her approval on that day.. i refrained myself.. but not long after was another significant day.. it was her birthday.. pressure was rising.. she celebrated her birthday with me.. and with a whole bunch of our friends.. i barely spoke to her.. on that day and days before that.. she was clearly irritated and disappointed.. i could tell.. but i gave her a cute black octopus plushie.. something that is unique enough to only remind her of me.. after that day i avoided her less.. and i ended up where i am right now.. but the question is where do i go from here? is she still expecting me to.. ask her?
i am still lost.. but somewhat finding my way..

CHANGED.

since 3 to 4 months back.. i have been trying to make something of my life.. i want to realize my dream that is to earn one million dolars (or ringgit) by the time i hit 25 years of age.. of course if i have the ability.. i will realize the other half of my dream to have a baby boy that same year.. but for now.. to reach my goal.. i have to climb the ladder.. or hill.. or a mountain.. It has not been easy to start my own business together with Zhu Lian and Li Ying.. and it is getting tougher.. with Wan Tian pulling out from our team.. we lost an asset.. 4 becomes 3.. small turns smaller.. it seemed impossible that i almost gave up.. but just being with her today gave me courage and strength.. i told her about planning for the future.. and now i want to prepare for our future.. it is 5.38am now.. later at 9am.. my group will decide on a business idea.. and proceed no questions asked.. i am confident about my future.. DotA can never be more important than her..

CHANGED.

i havent really changed much.. because of all that has happened.. i have become quieter yet again in front of crowds.. Nowadays i spend my time during class and breaks with only 3 or 4 girls.. Finding a topic to talk about is tough.. all i can do is joke.. i want to see her.. but i can not ditch my classmates.. she can not ditch her classmates.. and what valid reason do i have for seeing her? none.. Many old habits still retain.. old bad habits.. never calling my friends just to talk or say hi.. sun mei sent me a cute message today.. but i havent bothered to reply.. or rather i cant think of what to say.. its been very long since i have seen or spoken to yin yin.. i miss her too.. or ching yee.. i never ever call her.. we were quite close during form 4.. i miss that too.. but she is now in australia.. i can only blame myself..

CHANGED.

i learned many things after so long.. it is impossible not to learn.. i now know how to play 3 people mahjong! others i can not think of now.. Bpsych is considerably fun.. but i really want to do masters after tis.. a person from e-west called me up and told me if i wanted to do masters.. i'd have to transfer next year.. and to UK.. now im thinking.. and finding out more.. I am learning new things in Bpsych.. but my results are dropping a little.. WORK HARD! STODY HARD! i need motivation.. maybe all i have to do is think of her..

1st post of this new blog.. rest assured there will be more to come.. i will go sleep for 3 hours.. then go for meeting.. CYA!