CHANGE. . . . .

changed.

after fuyoh number months absent from my previous blog.. i am finally back to blogging once again.. BUT.. i can not and will not promise to be a frequent blogger from now onwards.. because in the fuyoh number of months.. i have learned NOT to break promises.. it is one of the worst things to do to another person.. so.. it may be better to not give away one's word too hastily in the first place..

changed.

what has changed in this long period of time one may ask.. Frankly countless things has happened.. to me and to everyone on earth.. but lets not look too far.. this blog is nonetheless.. about me.. =P Today i discovered a new feeling.. one that can only be found spending time with a girl (or guy) that u really like (or love). Today i have found the answer to a question i have asked almost everyday since i can remember.. I used to ask my father.. my mother.. brother.. sister.. close friends or even strangers.. " what is the feeling of love? how do you feel inside when you like someone? how are you so sure that u like him/her?" I was confused.. until today.. I finally understood what it is like to spend time her.. It felt like we were doing nothing.. but we were doing everything.. we talked a lot.. silence was rare between us.. but even if we did not talk.. it felt as though i knew exactly what she wanted to say.. comfort is the key.. every second brings forth a smile.. and.. parting is agony.. I am truly glad that i have found this 'love' that i yearned for for so long.. However.. I have deciding long before that i will not be attached.. Today we shared another whole part of ourselves with each other.. though i still feel that i only barely understand the surface of her life.. I believe that i revealed to her quite apparently that i put career and making money as my top priority.. which is one reason i will not get attached.. I have a presumption.. I would not say it is true.. but i presume that she likes me back.. and hopefully she understands why after all this time.. i have not really done anything to confess my feelings.. or to ask her to be my partner.. When i am ready.. i will go all out to make her mine.. i just wish it will not be too late by then..

CHANGE.

for months i have been drugging myself by avoiding her.. with the beginning of 2008.. we had both finished our LAN classes.. and i did not get many chances to be in her life.. because of that.. we have distanced from each other.. she had her life in A levels.. while i had mine in Bpsych.. I made new friends.. but so did she.. most of hers i did not know.. and still do not.. when i saw one of our friends from DU (guy) very close to her.. I started to distance myself from her even more.. To me.. it seemed as though I knew nothing about her anymore.. but he did.. all the roles of cheering her up when she was down.. or making her laugh.. or sharing her problems.. it seemed like he could fulfill.. at that time.. i obviously could not.. all i could do.. was watch from afar.. it was painful.. but i did not dwell on it for a long time.. since young.. i never did dwell on anything for more than a few days at most.. so it passed me by.. but as quickly as it went away.. it came back when i saw them again.. but in my mind i knew i can not do too much for her no matter how much i wanted to.. because i was never going to couple with her to begin with.. Valentine's Day swooped like a passing car.. as much as i wanted to hold her hands and ask her for her approval on that day.. i refrained myself.. but not long after was another significant day.. it was her birthday.. pressure was rising.. she celebrated her birthday with me.. and with a whole bunch of our friends.. i barely spoke to her.. on that day and days before that.. she was clearly irritated and disappointed.. i could tell.. but i gave her a cute black octopus plushie.. something that is unique enough to only remind her of me.. after that day i avoided her less.. and i ended up where i am right now.. but the question is where do i go from here? is she still expecting me to.. ask her?
i am still lost.. but somewhat finding my way..

CHANGED.

since 3 to 4 months back.. i have been trying to make something of my life.. i want to realize my dream that is to earn one million dolars (or ringgit) by the time i hit 25 years of age.. of course if i have the ability.. i will realize the other half of my dream to have a baby boy that same year.. but for now.. to reach my goal.. i have to climb the ladder.. or hill.. or a mountain.. It has not been easy to start my own business together with Zhu Lian and Li Ying.. and it is getting tougher.. with Wan Tian pulling out from our team.. we lost an asset.. 4 becomes 3.. small turns smaller.. it seemed impossible that i almost gave up.. but just being with her today gave me courage and strength.. i told her about planning for the future.. and now i want to prepare for our future.. it is 5.38am now.. later at 9am.. my group will decide on a business idea.. and proceed no questions asked.. i am confident about my future.. DotA can never be more important than her..

CHANGED.

i havent really changed much.. because of all that has happened.. i have become quieter yet again in front of crowds.. Nowadays i spend my time during class and breaks with only 3 or 4 girls.. Finding a topic to talk about is tough.. all i can do is joke.. i want to see her.. but i can not ditch my classmates.. she can not ditch her classmates.. and what valid reason do i have for seeing her? none.. Many old habits still retain.. old bad habits.. never calling my friends just to talk or say hi.. sun mei sent me a cute message today.. but i havent bothered to reply.. or rather i cant think of what to say.. its been very long since i have seen or spoken to yin yin.. i miss her too.. or ching yee.. i never ever call her.. we were quite close during form 4.. i miss that too.. but she is now in australia.. i can only blame myself..

CHANGED.

i learned many things after so long.. it is impossible not to learn.. i now know how to play 3 people mahjong! others i can not think of now.. Bpsych is considerably fun.. but i really want to do masters after tis.. a person from e-west called me up and told me if i wanted to do masters.. i'd have to transfer next year.. and to UK.. now im thinking.. and finding out more.. I am learning new things in Bpsych.. but my results are dropping a little.. WORK HARD! STODY HARD! i need motivation.. maybe all i have to do is think of her..

1st post of this new blog.. rest assured there will be more to come.. i will go sleep for 3 hours.. then go for meeting.. CYA!