A mystery called love..

Well.. i realized my life have been revolving around 1 word for the past month.. that is love.. what is it? it is an addiction.. it is bliss at times.. but during other times it may very well be torture.. but why am i saying this right now? it is because i am feeling torture.. but not totally due to love though.. love does provide its satisfactions.. but at times i just feel that.. after all the time and effort that i put into love.. added to the pile of other stressers in life.. it is slightly overwhelming.. sometimes i might feel that everything that happens as the result of my effort.. is not rewarding.. and that is very very demotivating.. innately.. i am already someone who had always given up easily.. always choosing the easy way.. but for her.. i have changed.. i never gave up.. and still will not.. but my point is.. why is she giving me reinforcing reactions sometimes.. and suddenly giving me negative reactions?

at times i feel as though i dun understand her at all.. and she still does not trust me 100%.. she has this pet brother whom she trusts whole heartedly i guess.. he is married.. and.. thats about all i know about him.. haiz.. i am just confused..

with so many priorities in life.. am i still making the right decision to go after her?? all the time and money and effort spent on her.. i may very well be spending them on my business perhaps.. or on my studies?? lately i have been neglecting my studies.. i have been spending less time on my studies.. but somehow.. maybe because of her.. when i study or do assignments.. i am more serious.. and my work turn out good.. my grades are still ok.. and well yeah..

it has only been a week.. i am feeling a little bit tired already.. i now realize.. that caring for a person whole heartedly.. is not simple at all.. sometimes i feel that i care too much about her?? constantly reminding her to eat to prevent her gastric.. or asking her to sleep early.. why do i even care about all these details of her?? i even wonder if she finds me too.. overdoing these things.. maybe she does not like what i am doing??

she left me a message on msn to apologize.. saying that she was not in a good mood.. my anger for her lifted immediately.. but i still felt sore inside.. so i did not call her tonight.. i really wanted to talk to her.. but she being out of mood made me feel the same.. so i only smsed her.. what can i do to reach the level of her pet brother?? she seems to always meet these kind of guys from church.. all these guys that can get so close to her.. maybe.. just maybe.. all the stuff i have been thinking is not correct.. maybe it is not me who is a player.. maybe she flirts as well.. which i have quit.. so far i am honest.. i have sort of devoted myself to her.. i try my best to not get too close to other girls.. even those whom i have been close to all the while.. why? because i care about her feelings more than that of others.. even my own at times.. but on friday during her class.. when she drew or wrote something on another guys paper.. jealousy rushed through me.. i dont know.. i mean.. she is not my girlfriend yet.. so its not wrong? but i acted like a mind in front of her after that.. when she reached out to draw on my paper.. i requested her not to.. and lalalala.. ya its very dumb stuff i know.. haha..

anyways.. before her class ended at 1pm.. i passed to her the 4 verse poem i wrote for her the night before.. along with the pen with a message wrapped around the ink inside.. when i got home.. she messaged me at around 8pm.. but i was already sleeping at that time.. i slept only at 3am the night before because i had to finish writing the poem.. and decorating it for her.. and the night before i only slept for 2 hours finishing my literature review.. so on friday.. i was actually bloody tired.. and i did not have class or experiments whatsoever.. so why did i still wake up at 8.45 and go to college?? the answer is obvious.. but i dont know why i did it.. even though i clearly lacked sleep.. i was full of energy once i saw her.. seriously.. when she left i immediately felt the fatigue.. i even missed dinner that night because i fell asleep right away.. the things i do for her.. i feel stupid sometimes.. lol

so after today.. i have 19 more days until the time limit.. i am confused as to where i want to go from here.. she is so unpredictable.. she says she enjoys surprises.. but i dont deal with them well.. i have always known that love requires sacrifice.. but i am really changing alot about myself for her.. even my sister says so.. nonetheless.. the change so far is not out of my comfort zone yet.. and i am still willing to walk the road to make her trust me.. or even just to make her smile.. but do i even have time?? 3 assignments due this week.. i know that.. and she knows that too.. and she knows that i am spending alot of time doing things for her.. then why on earth did she reply to me saying that i am too free.. go do assignments..

i want to do my assignments.. but when i try to think.. all i think about is.. who else!? sleepless nights.. i have had many the past weeks.. i think most guys would feel that.. this thing called love.. this mystery.. is sometimes more like misery instead.. but why then do we all struggle to keep it with us?? why do we want it so badly? i guess that is the mystery part of love.. but as the days go by.. i grow surer of 1 thing.. i am loving her more.. being angry at her does not mean i stop loving her..

only love can make me talk so much.. i am by nature.. i quiet person.. but seeing her.. or simply thinking of her.. makes me unable to stop talking.. what is it that i like about her?? i have to start thinking.. and listing them down.. to reassure her.. and to reassure myself.. on one hand she said that this month is for me to give her confidence and security.. on the other hand say says that this month is for myself to think.. if i really really like her.. does that in any way imply that she will accept me?? all i know now is that she said yes when i asked if she liked me.. i still do not know if she will accept me.. she accepted all my gifts.. my poems.. and my love.. but will she accept me!?

then again i always come back to this question.. should i really couple now? am i ready? no idea.. i want to chase my dreams.. would i still be able to if i got attached?? i want to make my business big.. i want to study my degree and masters and phd overseas.. i want to become a singer-songwriter.. can i still chase my dreams.. if i chase a girl?? nothing is certain..

yinyin has gotten into a singing training course.. seems that people like lin yu zhong and jin sha came from that very academy.. hopefully she reaches her dream too.. but how i hope i could be chasing that dream just like her.. becoming a singer.. i can only dream..

yep!! my life is boring.. it revolves around love for now.. soon i will find it less important than important things like studies.. then maybe i will turn sane again..

why on earth do i miss her so much!? but i cannot tell her that.. because she just wouldnt believe me.. but i think of her all the time.. especially when i have time to think.. times like sleep.. or shower.. and right now.. is she thinking of me?? did i even cross her mind?? probably she thought of her married pet brother.. probably octee is not on her bed anymore.. maybe it was not there all along.. maybe she is lying?? she always says that i lie to her.. which i do not.. that is another thing that makes me sore inside..

i have been sighing more often now.. probably because of her.. she sighs almost every half hour.. but i ask her not to.. but i am sighing on my own.. haiz.. i dont know what to think.. i am HUNGRY... i will call her tomorrow.. i miss her voice dearly.. right now.. i dont know if she is still in a bad mood.. what was the 'many things' that she mentioned about.. that is causing her bad mood?? i want to know.. i want to make her feel better.. tomorrow i will call her.. monday i will return her calculator.. i miss her short height.. i miss her oily hair.. though she says its not oily..

i guess i was right in the end.. love is something 1000x better than pizza.. no matter how tired i am.. it gives me strength.. no matter how hungry i am.. it makes me full.. no matter how sad i am.. it makes me happy.. it is one of a kind.. nothing can do what it does.. a mystery..

~wengkhye~