CONFESSION.. exposition.. climax and resolution..

okay.. last post was march 9.. 2day is march 24.. 24-9=15.. FIFTEEN days of absence is because of...?!! the title tells us exactly what in the world i have been sooo caught up with that i cannot blog..

confession.. what is the first thing that comes to your mind after reading the word!? is it.. a confession of love you may ask.. it is exactly that.. why am i beating around the bush just to say "I confessed to a girl"!?? because confessing is a dam hard thing to do.. and i developed a bad habit after that.. lolx

i actually did not want to blog about this.. but.. i decided to because im doing my lit review which is bloody long and due thursday and im bored.. and i ditched my diary for 4 months.. so im blogging..

friday, 21 march 2008.. i will remember this day for the rest of my life (i hope).. because ladies and gentlemen.. this was the day when i declared my love to a girl for the very first time in my life.. never before in the entire 17 years of my life have i felt so nervous.. so tensed.. my fists were clinched.. my palms were sweaty but cold.. my legs were shaking.. heart was pumping furiously.. i was barely even breathing.. at exactly 2.00pm.. i held her hand and confessed my feelings.. the scene still burning clearly in my memory.. i really did go through all those dramatic feelings.. but it was not especially difficult to open my mouth.. because i had planned for this and set the date 2 weeks back.. i knew it was not a time to back away.. so i took in 1 last gulp of air..decided to be a man.. and asked her..

details i will not go into.. so after all that describing.. what is the outcome!? what was her answer?! did i succeed.. or did i fail!? the answer.. for now.. is neither.. yes.. i neither succeeded.. nor failed.. but how can this be!? i asked myself that question repeatedly that night.. how can there be a middle to success and failure!? is there a middle to right or wrong!? is there a centre in between true or false?! can i go right and left at the same time!? are you confused.. i am.. i was going crazy..

i made sure of 1 thing on that day.. that is.. she does like me.. since when.. i can only guess.. she did not want to tell me since when she started liking me.. or for how long.. but demanded that i told her when i started liking her.. =.= we talked a lot from 2 to 5.30.. but yyyyyyyy didnt she accept!?

she likes me.. but did not accept me.. or reject me.. because she is not confident that our relationship will last long if we got together.. she wants a stable relationship.. 1 that can last until.. marriage maybe.. =.= yes it is quite unrealistic.. but possible.. and this becomes a reason for me to continue chasing her.. because her principle is exactly the same as mine! i was always the weird 1 saying things like finding the perfect girl for my first and marrying her.. but now she is saying the same thing.. so we think alike and more reason for me to carry on..!

anyways.. i have 1 month's time since that friday to make her feel more confident.. she asked me to give myself a date.. i must make myself to become 1 of the very few people she really believe in.. i want her to trust me.. right now.. my conversation with her is very the funny.. lolx.. it may go like this..

sample conversation
me: would you believe me if i said a square had 4 sides!?
she: no
me: would you believe me if i said..... a circle has no sides!?
she: no
me: would you believe if your brother said a circle has 4 sides!?
she: YES

her brother is 1 of the very few people she trust with all her heart.. and i want to be on that list.. so far.. i have already completed my first step before achieving the ultimate goal.. that step is knowing what i need to achieve to give her confidence.. things like.. treating her differently from how i treat other girls.. proving to her that i will like her for at least 100 years and that she is the only 1.. haha.. i have a long way to go.. so people help me da qi ok.. ^^ oh ya.. she doesnt read my blog.. i think.. haha.. cuz she is never on9

i have been thinking ALOT for the past few days.. and mayb it isnt such a bad thing that she did not accept me right away.. if she did.. i might not have thought of so many things.. last time.. i used to think that i would be the best bf there ever was.. but the truth is.. i know nuts about being a bf now.. so i am learning.. and changing.. to make her feel safe with me.. give her security and confidence.. i am talking to her more now.. calling and messaging more often.. but it is really costing my wallet.. i called her for 1hour+ yesterday night.. and my credit went from RM23 to RM4.. T.T can cry.. i learned something new.. call from house.. or get happy line.. if i spend 20 bux every night.. i will vomit blood.. haha

I was quite moody on Sat.. which is NOT normal for me.. probably because i let this get to my head.. ALMOST argued with my sister.. because we were both moody at the same time.. haha.. but we both understood each other's problem.. and calmed down.. i dota-ed and im sorry for my opponents..too bad la.. all the bad words come out for no reason.. haha.. who ask u all to be so noob.. =P

ANYWAYS.. life is mellow right now.. my first semester in Bpsych is coming to an end soon.. news of my scholarship applications will be out soon too.. life for me now.. is defined by studies and love.. and of course friends and family.. and my business.. 5 things dominate my life.. how nice.. my fav number..

is she thinking of me now?? i am thinking of her.. and how i wish.. assignments can complete themselves.. zzz goodnight to the whole world..